I started with Free to Learn, which lists 5 paradigm shifts when beginning an unschooling lifestyle. As a person who loves lists, this is very helpful for me. After finishing that one, I began Free to Live, and I'm currently about two chapters into that one. Then I plan to read them both again, next time taking notes.
I've really enjoyed reading these so far. They are relatively short and easy to follow, and while I don't agree with everything she suggests, the main thing I appreciate is her recommendation to ask myself questions, mainly when I tell my children no. What is my reasoning behind it? Is it just an arbitrary rule? What is the worst thing that will happen if I let them try? I have found myself many times saying no just because it's easy...for me. But what am I really saying to them? I haven't even considered your request. I don't trust you to make a good decision. My clean house is more important than your inspiration. So I've decided on two "rules" to start... Be considerate of others and be a team player.
I've spent some time thinking about things we could change in our home. One thing my kids enjoy is getting out their art supplies: paper, scissors, glue, crayons, etc. In a matter of milliseconds our kitchen table becomes engulfed in this creative jumble, and my blood pressure rises. Thankfully I've always seen the advantage of this, so most of the time I say yes anyway, but on many occasions I've still said no just because I didn't want to clean up the mess. Part of this new way of thinking is allowing the messes, but also impressing on the children that they have a part in the clean up.
Another area we need some help in is chores. I'd gotten a well-organized system in place a couple of weeks ago...and the month before that...and the month before that. We've tried rewards and punishments, money, and doing it just "because I said so", but it never works, and for good reason. For one thing, it's never a natural process. I myself don't do "preventative cleaning". I've never been able to commit to a cleaning schedule. If I see something is dirty, I clean it, so it makes sense that my kids will probably be the same way. We had a family meeting the other day and I explained to them their required chores are no more. Their eyes bugged out of their heads and smiles stretched across their faces as they looked back and forth at each other. I went further, telling them that they are now in charge of their bedrooms. They will be the ones to decide when they want a clean floor, or clean clothes. And they can even help me with the laundry, and I will help them do the cleaning. They just have to let me know when they're ready. Now my kids are big time mess-makers, especially my girls, and I don't want their rooms to be fire hazards, so last night I just simply picked up what was on the floor that was dangerous and made a clear path in case of emergency, setting things aside, but not necessarily putting them away. Eventually they will decide whether they'd like a clean place to play, or whether they'd like to find that lost toy. But the pressure is now off of me, not only to keep their living space clean, but also to keep them in line.
Now when it comes to shared space, it'll be a little different. I told them they are welcome to play where they like, but they need to keep in mind before they make a mess that they will be held responsible for cleaning it. If they are in the middle of playing something, I will no longer make them clean up their project to go to bed or whatever, and I will no longer threaten to take it to Goodwill (ugh...did I really do that?). Instead I will respect their wish to continue playing as long as it isn't interfering with our living. BUT if company is coming, and we need to have the living space clear for friends, then we'll work together to make sure the house is adequate for our guests.
On the subject of bedtime...well, this a tricky one. My kids are nine, seven, five and almost three. It's a given in my mind that my youngest little guy needs some help figuring out when it's bedtime. He needs me to guide him when he's sleepy so that it doesn't impact his mood for the rest of the day or evening. My five year old is sort of borderline, and it's made a little more difficult because she shares a room with her sister. So for the moment, I've told them they can go to bed whenever they want, but they need to respect others who'd like to sleep, so they can't be noisy. If they want to play they'll need to do it quietly in their room with their door shut. My husband and I stay up late, so my oldest son will be allowed to hang out downstairs as long as he's quiet, then he can sneak into his shared room and hopefully not wake his brother up. But nobody is allowed in our bedroom once we're in for the night...and we'll be putting a lock on our door. :) Last night we tried this for the first time. My two girls ended up arguing, so I did need to tell them it was bedtime around 10:00. So this will be a learning process to see what their needs are. My oldest stayed up to watch a show with his dad, but when it was done he happily put himself to bed around 10:30. This might sound late to some, but as a family we don't generally get out of bed until sometime between 8:00 and 8:45 every morning, so they are still able to get a good 10 hours or so of sleep going to bed at these hours.
In regard to screen time, this is something I used to limit, or even ban. But I love technology and I'm a visual learner, so I started questioning my motives. After reading Free to Learn, I've decided to lift all rules about this. Does this mean I want my kids to live in front of a screen? Of course not! But I do need to trust that they know what they need. And here's the kicker, it's my job as parent to make the world interesting to my learners. If I don't provide them positive alternatives, they'll think there's nothing better in the world than sitting in front of that screen. But if I show interest in something outside of the home, in a book, through travel, or interesting toys, they won't feel that the world outside of a screen is boring. The other side to this is if I limit their every move, what will their lives be like when they are on their own for the first time with no limits at all? The idea a lot of parents have, and one that I previously shared, was if I model good rules they will grow up to still want to follow them. But if they feel they are following arbitrary rules, only because they are being told, how will they know how to make good decisions for themselves when they are suddenly unleashed?
The one thing I disagreed with Ms. Laricchia most about was food. She suggests letting kids eat what they want to eat, when they want to eat, and where they want to eat. I can agree to an extent. I do see the advantage, not only from a freedom perspective, but also from a health perspective, in allowing a child to eat when they are hungry instead of telling them they have to come to eat at a certain time. If they aren't hungry, they will either be wasting food, or they will be gorging themselves when they don't need food at the moment. However, as a friend said yesterday, I am not a servant. If my children would like to come and make themselves a sandwich because they didn't feel like eating at lunch time, that's fine to me. But I'm not going to be a short order cook, and I'm certainly not going to bring them food wherever they feel like eating all over the house. As they get older that may change, but right now, especially in summer, food all over the house equals bugs, and nobody wants that. As far as mealtimes are concerned, though, the reality is, as an unschooling family we'll be spending so much time living and learning together that the dinner table will no longer the hub of all family togetherness.
The last thing that inspired me was thinking ahead to the future. Our culture holds a belief that a child's job is to learn, so they can go to college, and eventually get the highest paying job they can. I believe this ideology is so very, very flawed. For one thing, I don't want my kids to feel that their entire childhood is nothing more than preparation for adulthood. I want them to live their childhood. College is certainly not the only means of securing a career. If a child is interested enough in a specific subject, they will find a way to do what they want to do. If that means they need college, they can and will make that happen by researching colleges, figuring out what they need to do to get into their college of choice, and doing it. But how many 18 year olds really know what they want to do for the rest of their lives? And how many spend thousands on college only to find out they don't want to do what they wanted to do five years ago anymore? How many really need college to make a good living doing what they enjoy? Just this morning I read an interview with Mike Rowe about the lack of hands-on workers, and how college isn't for everyone. I want my kids to have EVERY opportunity, not limit them to doing what's expected of them by the society they happen to have been born into. Also, I want them to know their dad and I are here to support them at every stage of their lives. If they need a place to live while they're figuring out their goals, I don't want them to be burdened by shoving them out of the nest too soon. Perhaps they lose a job and need a place for their family to stay, or maybe we decide to be a three generational household. What's the harm in that? That is the norm in many cultures around the world. It's hard raising children without a lot of support, and my husband and I agree that we want to be the type of grandparents who are available when our children need us to step up and help out. We are open to whatever path the Lord places in front of each member of our family. We are, and always will be team players.
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