Your Mother Should Know

This handsome guy is my firstborn, the oldest of four...or as I affectionately call him, my guinea pig.  From the time I was a little bitty girl I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I thought for certain that after years of careful planning and preparation I would have been better suited for this role.  The reality was, of course, that I had no clue.  From the moment of his birth I began to make a mental count of all the mistakes I was making.  As he grew, so did the list.  Such is the life of every mother, I think.

The one thing I knew was that I didn't want to leave him.  I praised God when my husband landed his job, just days before I was to return to work after maternity leave.  I'd held my baby and cried, wondering how I'd be able to function every day knowing that he was away from me.  The relief of knowing I could be home with him was like nothing I'd ever experienced prior. 

That feeling of dread arose again in me when I'd begin to imagine his school years and those of his siblings after him.  It wasn't that I didn't trust the teachers, or that I felt I could do a better job, or feared drugs, or violence, or any of that.  I just simply wanted to observe every moment of his growth that I could.  The idea of letting someone else experience that with my child made me feel robbed.  You never, ever get those precious moments back. 

And so we began the way every other homeschooler I knew began...with curriculum and a plan.  (I'm laughing out loud reading that last line back.)  Oh yes, I had my plan.  And we were going to have FUN!  But funny thing...he had no interest in my plan.  And rather than put the curriculum aside (I paid for it, darn it!), I began with the pushing.  And I pushed, and I pushed, right on from preschool through third grade.  I curriculum-hopped.  I wrote strict schedules.  We sat many a day at the table tediously working through tear-soaked math lessons while the school kids were walking home for the day. 

He was miserable.  And I was miserable.

And I yelled.  And he yelled.

And I threatened...  I'll put him in school, I thought.  Surely they are better suited to deal with this child than I am.  I was ruining him...and our relationship.

Alas, one day a friend asked a simple question about unschooling on our local Facebook homeschooling page.  I'd heard the term before, but didn't know much.  I began to research and ask questions, much like I started my homeschooling journey 7 years ago.  And once again I got that feeling...I can do this.  Only this time there is no plan.  This time I have to relinquish control.  I have to trust that my child knows what he needs and wants better than I do.  I have to trust that I'm not going to cause him or our relationship further damage.

So, about a month ago we ceased all lessons.  Boom.  We were done with the school year.  I couldn't take it any longer and I knew he couldn't either.  And what I've found is very encouraging.  He asks brilliant questions and has fascinating ideas!  He keeps a journal and writes funny poems.  And he's even done some dreaded math...on his own...because he wants to!  We've gone to museums and watched documentaries.  I "strewed" some classic books on his Kindle slot and when he saw them he said he didn't like them.  Then after careful consideration he said, "You know, maybe I will read those books because I bet they're good for me."

My other children are developing their own interests as well, of course. My oldest daughter wants to learn about car motors.  I would have never known that if I hadn't given her the freedom to tell me.  My younger daughter is learning to bake and decorate pastries.  My youngest guy, not yet three years old, loves to tell me about the "outer space moon" and SCUBA diving with sharks. 

We are getting there.  I am learning to trust not only them, but my instincts.  What I used to think was a tendency toward laziness on my part, I'm learning, is actually my natural instinct to let my kids be kids.  I never was good at scheduling our day.  I hated that they didn't get enough time to play outside.  Now the world is our playground.  I'm starting to embrace this freedom instead of fear it.  We are learning this together.  And one thing I can thank my eldest for is making me a better mother to his siblings than the one he got at their ages.  I hope someday he'll look back and see that he taught me more than I can ever hope to teach him.