Learning to Fly

If there was ever a moment when I had a clear view of what unschooling really is, it was tonight.  Tonight the clouds parted, the angels sang, and the light shone into my bedroom, of all places.  Tonight my seven year old daughter brought me a book.  It wasn't a storybook, but a picture book about animals...only a couple of sentences per page with a handful of animal names.  I was puzzled why she wanted me to read this one.  But then she told me, "I'm going to read this one."  I sat back and simply said, "Okay, shoot!"  And that's when it happened.  She read.  Everything from spider to kestrel to corncrake.  Then she read the question at the bottom.  And then, the sentences at the top of the page.  My jaw dropped and my eyes began to well up. 

I suppose I should have seen this coming.  I have enough friends who've been down the unschool road to have heard the stories of children who self taught.  And, say what you will about video games, but yesterday she rattled off a good amount of words that she appeared to be "reading" from Minecraft.  But when I asked her how she knew them she just replied that her brother told her what they said.  What I hadn't thought about at the time, though, was that she remembered all those words.  Words like inventory.  Big words.  Still, I didn't take much notice.

But tonight, she read a book she'd never read before. And after that one, she ran and got another, a level 1 reader, and read that whole book to me for good measure.  She went to bed with our camping lantern, two level 2 readers, one level 3 reader and the promise that we can read to the point of exhaustion tomorrow.  She is inspired, and I didn't do a thing to inspire her.  I have not taught this child anything besides basic letter sounds, and even that was months and months ago.  Tonight the most I helped her with was proper pronunciation of words like wear (she was saying weer), because let's face it, the English language makes no sense.  But still, she managed to sound out 90% of the words completely unassisted.  Amazing!

This child wants to learn.  All children want to learn.  They don't need an adult to tell them that they want to learn.  They don't need an adult to teach them.  They don't need a grade level, or worksheets, or homework.  They just need to be given the freedom to learn when they are ready.  When I think of all the lessons I did with my nine year old son...to be honest, I feel like a lot of it was wasted time.  Had I just waited until the right moment, the moment for him to be ready, it would have been so much easier and less time consuming.  And it would have been his, not mine.  But we live and we learn.

I'm so proud of this girl!  And I'm excited for her as she begins this new adventure full of new discoveries.  What a happy time this is for her!

 

September in the Rain

It's another rainy day here. I've been thinking a lot about work/rest rhythms (something my church talks about...and my husband's employer).  In our culture, work reigns supreme.  If you aren't stressed enough, you must not have worked hard.  But what is work for a child?  This popped up on my Facebook feed earlier:

"Play is often talked about as if it were relief from serious learning.  But for children, play is serious learning.  Play is the work of childhood." -Fred Rogers

My kids play a lot, especially my three youngest.  They are busy.  Their minds are moving a mile a minute.  They create, run, fight bad guys, fly, embark on adventures, raise children, cook meals...all in a day's work.

And I work.  I cook, I clean, I exercise.  The kids join me in these things too; sometimes because they want to, sometimes because I ask.  There are no set times for these things.  They happen as we go, as they need to.  If the sink is full, the dishes get done. If we're hungry, we eat.

It's the same with rest.  We have no set time for rest, though I see the value in it.  My younger son needs a nap every day, and my younger daughter can usually use one too.  I know they need rest when I see it in their eyes or in their behavior.  And I know when I need rest too.

Rather than telling them to nap, I've been trying to invite them into rest, just like I invite them into other things that I do.  Today I told them, "I need to lie down, and I think you might too!"  My little guy goes down without much fuss.  In fact, he likes for two baby gates to be placed in his doorway, one stacked on top of the other.  Must make him feel secure in some way.  My five year old tells me she doesn't need to lie down, and that she will play in her room quietly.  Sometimes she does.  Today she crawled into bed with me.  My older kids will usually do something quiet, like write or draw, or play cards.

Not planning this opens us up to participate in opportunities outside of our home, like field trips, or parties.  If they fall asleep in the car on the way to or from another place, that's okay.  I know from my own experience that sometimes a ten minute nap can be more refreshing than two hours.  And they learn to roll with various circumstances that way.  Sometimes this might mean an earlier or later bedtime, and that's okay too.

Since we started unschooling the mantra that keeps running through my mind is this:

"'Everything is permissible'- but not everything is beneficial" -1 Corinthians 10:23a

This goes for kids too.  I'm not teaching them to have my idea of healthy rhythms.  I'm showing them how I have self-control, and respecting them enough to allow them to make these decisions based on their bodies' needs.

Today when Boo woke up at the foot of my bed I asked her, "Did you have a good nap?"
She sighed and said, "Yes."
"It feels good to let your body rest doesn't it?"
"Yeah."
And she'll remember that good feeling.

Good Vibrations

We've had a wonderful few weeks. My mother came into town, my girls started Girl Scouts, and our unschooler group went on our Not Back to School camping trip to Warren Dunes in Sawyer, Michigan. The passing of these events have marked the end of Summer for us. There's really no denying it as I watch the leaves fall in the backyard. But that's okay. There's something cozy about Fall. We had a lovely storm ring in the new season this morning. A nice day to sit, play card games, and drink hot peppermint tea.

I've realized these few weeks that we needed to deschool more than I'd originally thought. We remained so busy all Summer that once it came down to thinking about "schoolish" things again, I found I just couldn't gather my thoughts. Some wonderful friends gave me good advice to just take it slow, and spend one on one time with each child every day. So that's our starting point. I did get our Life of Fred Butterflies book out today to read with the two oldest kids, and that was about as schoolish as we got. But it's a start.  I'm not in a hurry.  In fact, in my lack of structure lately, my kids have spent plenty of time playing video games, but something was even birthed from that for my son.  He began telling his dad and I tonight about a comic book series he wants to begin writing.  The wheels are already turning for him.

I think the best part about this time is observing and taking note of the blessings that come with this lifestyle.  My son is so happy.  He smiles all the time now.  I had wondered at one point if he would ever be a happy child, and now he is.  Life doesn't have to be so complicated.  There's no race to any imagined finish line.  We're all here in this together, and there is space for peace and growth.

And I am growing.  There are so many things I thought I'd never be able to accomplish since having kids because in my mind there were just too many things we had to get done.  But nothing is so pressing now that I don't have room to pursue my interests too.  On my "Bucket List", so to speak, for a long time had been learning to crochet, to sew, play guitar, and get healthy.  Last Spring I taught myself to crochet, last week my neighbor, some friends and I started making strides toward the goal of getting healthy (hopefully resulting in an unschooling 5K team in the coming months), and tonight I began learning to play my grandfather's guitar.  I've started all of these things before. Now I'm able to actually follow through.

Living this lifestyle is a breath of fresh air.  It may seem directionless to some, but it's actually a wide open field with many paths that overlap.  It's a very happy time for my kids and me.  I'm so thankful that we decided to jump in with both feet.

Summertime

What a crazy fast, whirlwind summer we've had!  I really don't know how it's September already.  We played hard, took a couple of vacations out of state, and found some fun local stuff to do too.

Vacationing with small kids can be hard.  Much of is it just plain work.  But today I finally unloaded all of our pictures and was delighted to see that amidst all the craziness, we really did have a lot of fun!

We started with a trip to Chicago.  We got killer deals on City Passes, and being always on the lookout for educational experiences, I decided the most logical idea was to cram four museums into three days. Ha!  Sounds nuts, but we had great fun during the day.  Nights, not so much, but that's what we get for sharing a single room with four children.  (Never again!)  We visited the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, Adler Planetarium, and Museum of Science and Industry.  We are incredibly blessed to live so close to such amazing places!

But we live even nearer to some other places of interest.  The Studebaker Museum is basically in our backyard.  We were invited to go with some new friends one day a couple of weeks ago, and had a great time absorbing some local history.  We even got to see the car from The Muppet Movie!

Finally we just got back from Cedar Point.  This is totally my husband's thing.  He is a bona fide, self-proclaimed roller coaster geek.  Every year we go, and every year I walk around in circles ruing the day we bought those darned tickets.  But even in my misery, the kids so enjoy their over-priced carnival rides, so as a mother you just grin and bear it, right?

What's neat about Cedar Point that even appeals to me is their Dinosaurs Alive! exhibit.  Very cool and humbling to see life-sized dinos up close and personal.  I loved that Punk got to see what Sue from Field Museum would have looked like!

What I love more than anything, though, is the little learning moments here and there that aren't scheduled.  Boo loves to touch and smell everything she comes into contact with. Her curiosity is precious.  Coming out of a toll road rest stop she just had to stop and feel a pillar.  We took just a few minutes and compared the feel of the bricks, mortar, cement, and caulk.  While leaving the hotel one day we observed a katydid climbing the wall.  On the path to see the dinosaurs she stopped to touch a grasshopper.  Little moments that mean a lot.  Perhaps those brief memories will live on in her mind.  Who knows what memories will stick?

Another impromptu lesson was Dude asking to use my camera at the park.  There are no automatic settings on my "good camera".  It's all manual.  So I showed him how to use it as well as I could in the short time we had while his sisters and brothers were on a ride.  I set the ISO and aperture for him, and he set to figuring out the shutter speed.  After a few tries, he didn't do too shabby!

All in all, great times were had.  Memories were made.  We invested time in one another.  And the fun in the sun isn't over yet!  Monday is my birthday (yay!), Thursday is Punk's birthday (whaaah!) and in a week and a half we'll go camping with our unchooling friends.  The latter promises to provide some good photo ops as most of us are inexperienced campers!  Ha!  Until next time...

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Since we've been deschooling and drifting into unschooling I've already noticed some pretty great differences in the way our day to day life looks.  Here are a handful of things that have stuck out to me.

*Mealtimes are a joint effort.  In the past I would make one thing and one thing only.  If my kids wanted it, great.  If not, they wouldn't eat.  Today for lunch I made myself a spinach quesadilla.  Bebe (7) made Punk (2) a "peanut butter taco".  Boo Boo (5) made herself a peanut butter sandwich.  Dude (9) and Bebe requested egg sandwiches.  While my quesadilla was in the oven, I fried up some eggs, and they took care of making the sandwiches themselves.  They all poured themselves their own milk and I got Punk's for him.  It's like a well-oiled machine.  No fighting.  No tears.  Just everyone doing for themselves or others.

*We have time.  We have time for reading together.  We have time to do chores at relaxed pace.  We have time to play games.  There isn't a whole lot of "We'll do that after..."  Of course, things still come up, but for the most part we're free to be doing whatever we please.  The other day we were invited on an impromptu outing to a local museum and we just went!  The fast-paced life we'd created is slowing down and we're able to just be and enjoy each other's company.

*I don't yell.  I don't need to yell.  Now that I've had the ability to sit back and realize that most of my NOs were out of frustration or unwarranted, the need for yelling has gone away.  And if I do ever have to yell, they will know it's for a really good reason.

*Dude is happy.  This is my introverted child, the one people were concerned about at a very young age because he was "too shy" or wouldn't "make eye contact", the one who almost certainly had ADHD, the one who cried through lessons daily.  He smiles.  His outbursts are less frequent.  The other day he jumped into my dad's lap, all 80 lbs. of him, squeezing his neck and rocking, saying, "I love my Papa!"  He's taken on some responsibility for his siblings without me asking.  He asks a lot of questions and tells me all about what he's been reading.  He hugs me often.  He is a different boy.  That alone is priceless.

Go Your Own Way

I wanted to post just to clarify a few things.  Since yesterday and today have been the first days of school in our local districts, suddenly I'm getting TONS of questions about unschooling.  Even though we've been homeschooling since the beginning, this concept is even hard for our homeschooling friends to wrap their minds around.  I get that.  I was there once.  So here are some things that have been on my mind. 

*The name unschooling kind of sucks.  It doesn't mean no-learning.

*The decision to unschool is one that is well thought out.  As much as it may seem willy nilly to some because it's not structured, it is not taken lightly.  We are not lazy.  We are not glued to the TV.  We are learning daily.  I love my children.  I'm not throwing caution to the wind.  Anyone who knows me would know that's the furthest thing from the truth.

*We are not anti-public school...or anti-traditional school...or anti-traditional homeschooling.  I have just experienced for myself what sit-down-at-a-desk schooling looks like for our family and it hasn't been pretty.  Each child has their own personality, as I discussed in my last blog.  Some children thrive in a structured school environment.  Most children probably don't.  It is set up for a handful of personality types and the rest are deemed average, or less than average, or ADD, or whatever.  My two oldest kids would very likely be labeled ADHD if they were in school.  One needs a lot of alone, quiet time, and one is generally bouncing off the walls all day.  Neither can focus well while sitting at a desk.  It's just our reality.  Do I want to medicate and change them to fit a structured environment?  Not especially.  We're home already.  We have the privilege (and it is a privilege) to give them the space to learn in the way it works best for each of them.  But I do see the value in a public education system, and I know enough passionate teachers to know that there is a place for everyone, and everyone's place is not the same.  By all means, do what works for you.  I'd love to hear about it.

*Unschooling is not for everyone.  I'm not judging you.  Please do not judge me.  To unschool you have to be okay with noise and messes.  You have to want to know more about the world.  You have to want to get out there and get dirty.  If you fit these criteria, it's not hard.  It's not a burden.  You don't have to be super organized.  You just have to live as you'd normally live, and make notes of what your kids are learning to appease the government.

*My kids will learn to sit down, take direction, raise their hand, and follow rules.  Some of these things have already been learned.  It doesn't require 13+ years of practice to learn these skills.

*If you have questions, I'm happy to answer.  If you have advice...well, maybe keep it to yourself.  If I want your advice, I'll be sure to ask.  That may sound rude, but I don't tell you your decisions are wrong, or warn you about your kid not going to college, or tell you what you have to do. 

*I like to post about what we're doing.  I take lots of pictures.  This is not to prove how much better we are than you.  This is not to rub your nose in my feeling we are superior in some way.  It is because we're excited.  Our life is happy.  When I'm excited and passionate about something I like to share, just like you post pics of your kids' first day of school, or their new sneakers or backpack.  I'm not opening a door for you to tell me your opinion.  I just want to express myself.  Plain and simple.

I appreciate the kind, supportive friends that I have.  I especially appreciate the AMAZING women I've gotten to know through our unschooling community.  This is a very special time in our lives and I'm happy to share it with anyone who'd like to read about it, or have a conversation about it, or share in our experiences.  We just want to be accepted, just like everyone else. 

For my next trick I will likely post some FAQs.  Sometimes people have questions that I can't  answer in a five minute sitting...and to be honest I'm tired of answering the same things over and over...and over again.  So be sure to check back if you're curious.  And if you're considering unschooling, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me.  I am HAPPY to help you find your way and make some connections with other unschoolers.  :)

Within You Without You

I've become a little obsessed with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator lately. My friend posted a link the other night and I got curious so I took a questionnaire. It turns out I'm an ENFP (Extrovertion iNtuition Feeling Perceiving). Taking it a step further I had my husband take it and he happens to be an ISTJ (Introvertion Sensing Thinking Judging). If you didn't notice, that makes us complete, polar opposites.

As much as I'm not big on labeling people, I find this tool very helpful. It's not perfect, and no person fits into any of the 16 personality types like a glove, I'm sure. There are a lot of circumstances that come into play. But it helps me greatly to understand myself better, and also to have a better understanding of what makes my husband tick.

I found there are even questionnaires for kids. Rather than let my kids know what I was doing, I took what I know about them and filled the questions out myself, only asking them on things I wasn't sure about. These are only recommended for kids 7-12, so I only did my oldest two. The results say that my son is Introverted Intuitive and my daughter is Extroverted Sensing. None of this is a surprise, but again, opposites (which explains why they butt heads a lot). And what's fun is their personalities each have a bit of their dad and me.

Again, it's helpful to understand them a little bit better, and it furthers my belief that both of them are better suited in an unschooling environment than any other. Both need a lot of freedom, E to be alone, and A to express herself. Neither of their personalities would fit well in a classroom with a lot of structure and a lot of time sitting and being still. I'm so thankful that we have the opportunity to raise them in an environment where they are free to be themselves.

Space Oddity

Now that I've finished my Pam Laricchia books, I'm onto the "Bible" of unschooling...better known as Sandra Dodd's Big Book of Unschooling. I'm barely 1/6 of the way into it and I already have so much to say! For starters, I love that this book is broken down into very specific, bite sized nuggets. You can pretty much turn to any page at any time. No need to read it cover to cover...although I am. Seldom have I found a book that speaks so clearly to my soul. She has written things that I've said, or thought already! Below is one of the quotes from the book that made me question, did she read my mind?!

"School has become so much a part of life in the past few decades that it seems to some that taking their children out of school is like leaving the planet altogether."

I have often used the analogy that our first day of NOT sending our son to Kindergarten was like floating out in space. It was a weightless, groundless, quiet void where I didn't really know what to do with myself or him. I had that feeling again this summer when I made the decision to unschool...even had a dream about being on a space station, which I could only attribute to that lost in space feeling. It's the perfect description because it's so true. To make the steps to homeschooling and unschooling, for a person like me, is to leave behind everything you know and step into uncharted territory. You only have the stories of those who've gone before you with their own families to give you the momentum to keep going and keep trying new things.

However, I have discovered that I'm naturally more of an unschooler than I'd previously thought. I have always struggled with schedules, and we were never very good at "doing school". Last year I remember a friend posting pictures of her children celebrating their 100th day of school, and upon looking at the calendar I realized we'd only completed about 50 sit-at-a-desk days of school ourselves. While I used to view this as a negative, I now see the positive in it.

In the book, Sandra talks about the importance of deschooling. The suggested guideline is to deschool your children one month for every year of traditional schooling before really getting the unschooling ball rolling. Further, she recommends parents do the same. For me, that would be 13 months of deschooling (one month for each of my years in public school K-12, and not counting nursery school or college). We have been deschooling since June and I'm happy to report that my children have not lost their joy of learning, especially not my youngest three. I'm so grateful for that! My oldest is not as carefree as his siblings yet, but he still eagerly pores over books about tornadoes, spies, and the periodic table of elements. And I already have the curiosity and desire for closeness with my children that is so crucial for unschooling parents to have. This gives me confidence that we will not need to deschool for any extended period of time, though I will give my oldest more time than the others. I feel he deserves that.

There are laws, however, and Sandra does make mention of knowing them. Thankfully the state we live in requires only that we keep attendance 180 days of the year. To one in the unschooling camp, this is no problem. Children learn 365 days a year. Check!  But for the sake of keeping us covered, I've decided to record their learning, quietly, as to not distract them, for at least 180 days of the year. Today it went something like this:

E:
Read book, Tornado! (Reading, Science)
Played Minecraft (Math, Geometry, Technology)
Wrote letter to friend (Language Arts, Writing, Grammar, Handwriting, Spelling)
Ran around the yard pretending to be a Ninja (Phys. Ed.)
Started learning about making stop-motion videos (Technology)

A and B:
Discussed and compared small, medium, and large toys at dentist's office (Math)
Discussed shape toys at dentist's office (Math, Geometry)
Talked about Easter Island statues prompted by National Geographic mag (History)
Observed and picked out snails at PetSmart (Science)
Picked up various items for dog, cat, rabbit, and fish (Science, Health)
Made bead necklaces to spell their names (Writing, Spelling, Fine Motor, Art)
Played "smoothie making" and "doctor" iPad apps (Health, Science, Technology)
Painted paper (Art, Fine Motor)

S:
Played Endless Alphabet iPad app (Language Arts, Pre-reading, Technology)
Washed hands by himself (Health)
Learned that sunny spots are warmer than shady ones (Science)
Painted and cut paper (Art, Fine Motor)

All:
Took dog on walk around neighborhood (Geography, Science, Health, Phys. Ed.)
Released a tree frog we raised from a tadpole (Science)
Watched Jaws (Science, Technology)
Lived, worked and played together, and interacted with others (Socialization)

The list could go on and on. The beauty is, it's not complicated. These are real life lessons that would have otherwise been replicated in a classroom, undoubtedly in worksheet form. How much sweeter is it to be just fluid parts of life? The children have no idea these things can be broken down into subjects. Their world isn't compartmentalized. It just is. So while this place might feel otherworldly, I'll take it. We are blessed to live this life! I'm so anxious to see where this grand adventure takes us!

Free as a Bird

In my quest to get my bearings with this lifestyle change, I've been seeking out experienced friends and reading material.  I happened upon Pam Laricchia's books and decided to dig right in.  Her children were pulled from school to begin homeschooling, her oldest son the same age as my oldest son is now.  Reading about her children's confidence has really helped me, as I've wondered at times if I'd already done irreparable damage to my kids. 

I started with Free to Learn, which lists 5 paradigm shifts when beginning an unschooling lifestyle.  As a person who loves lists, this is very helpful for me.  After finishing that one, I began Free to Live, and I'm currently about two chapters into that one.  Then I plan to read them both again, next time taking notes.

I've really enjoyed reading these so far.  They are relatively short and easy to follow, and while I don't agree with everything she suggests, the main thing I appreciate is her recommendation to ask myself questions, mainly when I tell my children no.  What is my reasoning behind it?  Is it just an arbitrary rule?  What is the worst thing that will happen if I let them try?  I have found myself many times saying no just because it's easy...for me.  But what am I really saying to them?  I haven't even considered your request.  I don't trust you to make a good decision.  My clean house is more important than your inspiration.  So I've decided on two "rules" to start...  Be considerate of others and be a team player.

I've spent some time thinking about things we could change in our home.  One thing my kids enjoy is getting out their art supplies: paper, scissors, glue, crayons, etc.  In a matter of milliseconds our kitchen table becomes engulfed in this creative jumble, and my blood pressure rises.  Thankfully I've always seen the advantage of this, so most of the time I say yes anyway, but on many occasions I've still said no just because I didn't want to clean up the mess.  Part of this new way of thinking is allowing the messes, but also impressing on the children that they have a part in the clean up.

Another area we need some help in is chores.  I'd gotten a well-organized system in place a couple of weeks ago...and the month before that...and the month before that.  We've tried rewards and punishments, money, and doing it just "because I said so", but it never works, and for good reason.  For one thing, it's never a natural process.  I myself don't do "preventative cleaning".  I've never been able to commit to a cleaning schedule.  If I see something is dirty, I clean it, so it makes sense that my kids will probably be the same way.  We had a family meeting the other day and I explained to them their required chores are no more.  Their eyes bugged out of their heads and smiles stretched across their faces as they looked back and forth at each other.  I went further, telling them that they are now in charge of their bedrooms.  They will be the ones to decide when they want a clean floor, or clean clothes.  And they can even help me with the laundry, and I will help them do the cleaning. They just have to let me know when they're ready.  Now my kids are big time mess-makers, especially my girls, and I don't want their rooms to be fire hazards, so last night I just simply picked up what was on the floor that was dangerous and made a clear path in case of emergency, setting things aside, but not necessarily putting them away.  Eventually they will decide whether they'd like a clean place to play, or whether they'd like to find that lost toy. But the pressure is now off of me, not only to keep their living space clean, but also to keep them in line. 

Now when it comes to shared space, it'll be a little different.  I told them they are welcome to play where they like, but they need to keep in mind before they make a mess that they will be held responsible for cleaning it.  If they are in the middle of playing something, I will no longer make them clean up their project to go to bed or whatever, and I will no longer threaten to take it to Goodwill (ugh...did I really do that?).  Instead I will respect their wish to continue playing as long as it isn't interfering with our living.  BUT if company is coming, and we need to have the living space clear for friends, then we'll work together to make sure the house is adequate for our guests.

On the subject of bedtime...well, this a tricky one.  My kids are nine, seven, five and almost three.  It's a given in my mind that my youngest little guy needs some help figuring out when it's bedtime.  He needs me to guide him when he's sleepy so that it doesn't impact his mood for the rest of the day or evening.  My five year old is sort of borderline, and it's made a little more difficult because she shares a room with her sister.  So for the moment, I've told them they can go to bed whenever they want, but they need to respect others who'd like to sleep, so they can't be noisy.  If they want to play they'll need to do it quietly in their room with their door shut.  My husband and I stay up late, so my oldest son will be allowed to hang out downstairs as long as he's quiet, then he can sneak into his shared room and hopefully not wake his brother up.  But nobody is allowed in our bedroom once we're in for the night...and we'll be putting a lock on our door.  :)  Last night we tried this for the first time.  My two girls ended up arguing, so I did need to tell them it was bedtime around 10:00.   So this will be a learning process to see what their needs are.  My oldest stayed up to watch a show with his dad, but when it was done he happily put himself to bed around 10:30.  This might sound late to some, but as a family we don't generally get out of bed until sometime between 8:00 and 8:45 every morning, so they are still able to get a good 10 hours or so of sleep going to bed at these hours. 

In regard to screen time, this is something I used to limit, or even ban.  But I love technology and I'm a visual learner, so I started questioning my motives.  After reading Free to Learn, I've decided to lift all rules about this.  Does this mean I want my kids to live in front of a screen?  Of course not!  But I do need to trust that they know what they need.  And here's the kicker, it's my job as parent to make the world interesting to my learners.  If I don't provide them positive alternatives, they'll think there's nothing better in the world than sitting in front of that screen.  But if I show interest in something outside of the home, in a book, through travel, or interesting toys, they won't feel that the world outside of a screen is boring.  The other side to this is if I limit their every move, what will their lives be like when they are on their own for the first time with no limits at all?  The idea a lot of parents have, and one that I previously shared, was if I model good rules they will grow up to still want to follow them.  But if they feel they are following arbitrary rules, only because they are being told, how will they know how to make good decisions for themselves when they are suddenly unleashed?

The one thing I disagreed with Ms. Laricchia most about was food.  She suggests letting kids eat what they want to eat, when they want to eat, and where they want to eat.  I can agree to an extent.  I do see the advantage, not only from a freedom perspective, but also from a health perspective, in allowing a child to eat when they are hungry instead of telling them they have to come to eat at a certain time.  If they aren't hungry, they will either be wasting food, or they will be gorging themselves when they don't need food at the moment.  However, as a friend said yesterday, I am not a servant.  If my children would like to come and make themselves a sandwich because they didn't feel like eating at lunch time, that's fine to me.  But I'm not going to be a short order cook, and I'm certainly not going to bring them food wherever they feel like eating all over the house.  As they get older that may change, but right now, especially in summer, food all over the house equals bugs, and nobody wants that.  As far as mealtimes are concerned, though, the reality is, as an unschooling family we'll be spending so much time living and learning together that the dinner table will no longer the hub of all family togetherness. 

The last thing that inspired me was thinking ahead to the future.  Our culture holds a belief that a child's job is to learn, so they can go to college, and eventually get the highest paying job they can.  I believe this ideology is so very, very flawed.  For one thing, I don't want my kids to feel that their entire childhood is nothing more than preparation for adulthood.  I want them to live their childhood.  College is certainly not the only means of securing a career.  If a child is interested enough in a specific subject, they will find a way to do what they want to do.  If that means they need college, they can and will make that happen by researching colleges, figuring out what they need to do to get into their college of choice, and doing it.  But how many 18 year olds really know what they want to do for the rest of their lives?  And how many spend thousands on college only to find out they don't want to do what they wanted to do five years ago anymore?  How many really need college to make a good living doing what they enjoy?  Just this morning I read an interview with Mike Rowe about the lack of hands-on workers, and how college isn't for everyone.  I want my kids to have EVERY opportunity, not limit them to doing what's expected of them by the society they happen to have been born into.  Also, I want them to know their dad and I are here to support them at every stage of their lives.  If they need a place to live while they're figuring out their goals, I don't want them to be burdened by shoving them out of the nest too soon.  Perhaps they lose a job and need a place for their family to stay, or maybe we decide to be a three generational household.  What's the harm in that?  That is the norm in many cultures around the world.  It's hard raising children without a lot of support, and my husband and I agree that we want to be the type of grandparents who are available when our children need us to step up and help out.  We are open to whatever path the Lord places in front of each member of our family.  We are, and always will be team players. 

School's Out (Forever)

So, I'm sure you've all noticed this annoying trend with stores where seasonal items seem to be stocked 4...5...6 months in advance.  Last week a girlfriend of mine was looking for swimming gear for her children and was unable to locate what she needed at Walmart, the place that has everything (for three cents less than their competitors).  Here it is, still July, and I've even seen some Christmas items on the shelves in some places! But there's similar trend I'm noticing.  Perhaps I notice it more now that we've decided to unschool, but it strikes me just the same.  Many of my friends seem to have written off the rest of summer, and for good reason!  For those in traditional schools, some of their kids only have a week or two left before they have to go back, and some have even started!

At the risk of aging myself...(insert old fogey voice)...when I was a kid we had until the end of August before we had to go back.  And before my time it was after Labor Day!  What is the rush?!  (This is obviously a rhetorical question, as my traditionally schooling friends don't have control over the decisions of the powers that be in their district.)  Kids now have Spring Break while there's snow on the ground, and get out of school while it's still cool.  It feels like they are being robbed of time they could be enjoying in the sun.  And during those precious few weeks, there are constant reminders everywhere, in every commercial break, in every store, that school will be back in session in no time!   There are commercials where the parents just can't wait to get rid of their kids for 9 1/2 months.  Maybe some parents feel that way, but I know most of my friends don't, and their kids certainly don't feel it's the happiest time of year either.  It gives me anxiety remembering how I felt as a child, dreading that first day and counting down how many more days of freedom I had.

I'm not sure why this bothers *me* so much.  I'm not bound by the traditional school year.  In fact, our unschooling group will be having a "Not Back to School" camping trip in September...when it's still summer.  I think it bothers me because it makes my mind drift further ahead than I care for it to drift.  It makes me feel rushed. Why can't we live in the present?  It's like people who take their Christmas tree down December 26th when there are still 10 more days of Christmas to celebrate.  I guess it's just sort of a buzzkill.  Do I have to follow what they do?  Of course not!  But it is still a downer to hear about it.

As the matriarch of our family, I'm vowing to take summer back!  And Christmas!  And whatever else we want to hang onto a little longer.  Summer in our family will last until the leaves fall off the trees, and we won't celebrate the next season until it is actually upon us.  We will get to that next step in due time.  No need to rush it, because before we know it, we'll be longing to have these days back.  Who's with me?!  Those of you who have kids in school, you can join me too!  Just because you're on someone else's schedule Monday through Friday doesn't mean you have to settle in to the routine.  You are still in charge of your weekends.  TO SUMMER!

Breathe

You may have noticed by now that the names of my posts are song titles.  Tonight's is no different.  The title of this post is inspired by a song by the band The Brilliance, whom I had the pleasure of seeing and meeting last December at a friend's house show.  The first time I heard this song I lied in bed and sobbed (and like any good fan I shared that with lead singer/guitarist, David Gungor).

The reason I use song titles is because, well...they're fun...and music is so important in my life.  I don't play any instruments (yet...working on guitar) but I do sing, and I find myself in awe of people who can write and perform music that can stir up people's hearts.  It's not just something I listen to for background noise.  Songs become part of me, ingrained in my soul.  Good songs are like dear friends who bring back emotions you once felt or create new ones. 

When I first heard this song I was reminded of God breathing life into Adam's nostrils, but over the last year it's taken on whole new meaning.  Now, I'm not big into labeling people, as we're all complex beings, but just a couple of years ago I would have proudly considered myself a Young Earth Creationist, meaning I took the Bible literally in its account of the beginning of the world and everything in it.  I was not always there.  Before professing my faith in Christ in college I wholeheartedly embraced evolution, as an Anthropology student, and viewed the world through scientific glasses. But upon becoming a Christian I very much was led to believe I had to choose God or science, and I, of course, chose God. 

My world was rocked a year or so ago when I discovered that it was not so black and white.  I found a Bible curriculum for my kids called Telling God's Story, and I liked that it followed the Classical model that I was following at the time.  I quickly discovered, however, that author Peter Enns had caused quite the controversy in the homeschool world as he had butted heads with Ken Ham, head of Answers in Genesis.  Intrigued, I began to read Dr. Enns' other books, specifically The Evolution of Adam and Inspiration and Incarnation, and found that they opened up all new possibilities in my mind and heart...that Genesis is full of myth and poetry, and borrowed stories from surrounding cultures.  And what he said made sense!  The Bible was written in a form the people of those times could understand, just as Jesus came in a form with which the people of his era could relate.

This made me feel free in some ways, and broke my heart in others.  I now have the freedom to embrace the wonder of evolution once again.  I no longer have to weed out the books that say "millions and billions" at the library.  We are able to walk the halls of museums and soak up everything they have to offer.  But I went through almost a mourning period also, and I still struggle with knowing how to read the Bible.  It's like being a child who has just found out Santa Claus isn't real, only on a much, much larger scale.  At times I find myself trying to nitpick what's fact and what's not, when that's really not the point at all.

In my bewilderment and excitement I've wanted to share what's on my heart, and that's been hard.  The homeschooling community in our area is primarily Christian, and of those Christians, most are YECs.  It's been difficult to know how much to share, and with whom to share.  Some friends have lovingly disagreed with me.  Some people have applauded me for stepping out.  Some have flat out told me I'm not a Christian.  One woman actually asked me to apologize for posting a link on a homeschool board about Christian homeschooling parents desiring evolution in Christian curriculum.  But there's one thing I keep going back to: the Bible, as sacred as it is, is not what I worship.  I am a Christ follower.  I believe Christ is who he said he was, I believe he died for us because he loves us, and I believe he will return.  This is my foundation. 

So now when I hear this song, it's takes on a much deeper meaning.  God didn't just breathe life into the first man.  The Holy Spirit is breathing life into me today.  He speaks to me, sometimes through Scripture, sometimes in dreams, or through friends, or experiences.  He is not limited to words on a page.  He is within us and around us, vibrant and calling us into his ongoing story. 

I have alluded to this shift in my personal theological beliefs a few times on Facebook, and many times I've thought about being more explicit.  I guess you could call this post my "coming out".  I suppose the most accurate label for me now would be Evolutionary Creationist, but I'd prefer just to be called friend.

What a Wonderful World

I've been thinking a lot about how to approach the upcoming school year.  The reality is, we won't be following a traditional school year, as we'll be learning year-round.  But it's hard not to think about it when there is so much talk about boxes of curriculum arriving, or school start dates. My problem is I'm a disorganized perfectionist.  I want so badly to do everything...just. right.  But when I quickly discover that a project is not cut and dry...it's like I become frozen, not knowing what to do, so I just do nothing.  This summer has been like that.  There are SO many things I've wanted to do and I can feel summer slipping through our fingers.  Of course...our summer can be as long as the weather allows, which is comforting. 

I've been learning a lot about unschooling through friends, and was surprised to hear that there are very different schools of thought (no pun intended).  There is everything from radical unschooling to relaxed, interest-led learning. I'm not exactly sure where we'll fall.  Right now I just know that I want my children to have the freedom to make natural connections and I believe they also need my guidance to make good decisions sometimes.  We'll see how that evolves as we really get into a groove.  Perhaps I won't have to do any pushing.  Wouldn't that be nice?!

I envision our family learning through nature, technology, the library, hands-on experience...  I do not envision us using text books or grading performance through tests.  That said, we have a science curriculum that we all LOVE called R.E.A.L. Science Odyssey (published through Pandia Press).  This past year we began with the Level One study of Life Science.  It is advertised for Grades 1-4, which fits our family well.  I've found it's engrossing for my 9 and 7 year olds, if a little above my 5 year old's head (though she did enjoy the labs and pick up some of the lingo). 

Since beginning this unschooling shift I've been a little at a loss about how to approach this.  Do I continue to follow the order of the lessons?  What if I can't find snails when it's the snail lesson?!  So, tonight I pulled together my scattered thoughts and I've decided the answer is to use the labs as they fit.  Seems simple, right?  While this might not sound like a big deal to some, it's our first step out of the box, making curriculum work for us!  So tomorrow morning we plan to take a nature walk.  We will collect things, and take pictures, and see where the chips fall.  And we may not even finish the book.  Or maybe we will....next year.  Crazy talk, I tell ya!

My Girl

This little lady is my oldest daughter.  She is beautiful...like model beautiful, and she knows it.  She has no shortage of confidence.  She is smart and silly.  She is a royal princess who isn't afraid of mud.  She is full of life and full of joy.  And she doesn't listen worth a lick. 

Of my four children, I would say she's my biggest challenge.  I have struggled for years knowing how to deal with her.  When we go out to get in the car she runs down the street.  In stores she always manages to turn a corner or hide under something.  She runs as far ahead, or lags as far behind us as she possibly can.  She is a handful.

Many, many times I've felt like I needed a manual to figure this kid out.  I've tried just about every sort of discipline I can imagine...time-outs and grounding, paying back and saying sorry.  What do you do with a child who just won't be tamed?

She is a free spirit...a hippie child.  And I find myself wondering, why do I want to change this?  There is so much beauty in her carefree world, but it doesn't fit into our standards of proper behavior.  This is the wonderful thing about homeschooling.  She doesn't have to be bound to someone else's standards.  WE don't have to be bound to someone else's standards.  Because, you see, it is me who is in bondage here.  It's me who makes it a problem.  Deep down I know my annoyance, and much of my disciplinary measures, come from embarrassment over feeling like I don't have control of my child.   

It's funny how you don't realize the poor way you've treated your child until you see yourself in someone else.  When someone else reacts negatively to her, my blood boils and my heart breaks.  In those moments I see her clearly.  I take a step back and recognize this innocent kid who simply wants to know how far she can push the boundaries, who wants attention and love, who wants and needs some space to figure it out.

I fully admit, I don't have this one pegged.  One thing I've been doing for a while now is telling her what a great leader she is.  She can walk into a room not knowing a single soul and within minutes she has everyone doing what she does.  Children love her.  So I tell her, with leadership comes responsibility, that she needs to remember to lead in a positive way.  Another thing we do is dates.  With her siblings around she can be difficult, but by herself she's a different kid.  She needs undivided attention on a regular basis.  One drawback of this is she's begun to associate date with buying stuff.  We're working on this.  :)

I'm definitely open to more suggestions.  How do I take a step back and allow her some freedom while guiding her in a positive way?  How do I come alongside her and help her harness this energy for good?  Do any of you have children like this?  If so, how do you do it?

Your Mother Should Know

This handsome guy is my firstborn, the oldest of four...or as I affectionately call him, my guinea pig.  From the time I was a little bitty girl I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I thought for certain that after years of careful planning and preparation I would have been better suited for this role.  The reality was, of course, that I had no clue.  From the moment of his birth I began to make a mental count of all the mistakes I was making.  As he grew, so did the list.  Such is the life of every mother, I think.

The one thing I knew was that I didn't want to leave him.  I praised God when my husband landed his job, just days before I was to return to work after maternity leave.  I'd held my baby and cried, wondering how I'd be able to function every day knowing that he was away from me.  The relief of knowing I could be home with him was like nothing I'd ever experienced prior. 

That feeling of dread arose again in me when I'd begin to imagine his school years and those of his siblings after him.  It wasn't that I didn't trust the teachers, or that I felt I could do a better job, or feared drugs, or violence, or any of that.  I just simply wanted to observe every moment of his growth that I could.  The idea of letting someone else experience that with my child made me feel robbed.  You never, ever get those precious moments back. 

And so we began the way every other homeschooler I knew began...with curriculum and a plan.  (I'm laughing out loud reading that last line back.)  Oh yes, I had my plan.  And we were going to have FUN!  But funny thing...he had no interest in my plan.  And rather than put the curriculum aside (I paid for it, darn it!), I began with the pushing.  And I pushed, and I pushed, right on from preschool through third grade.  I curriculum-hopped.  I wrote strict schedules.  We sat many a day at the table tediously working through tear-soaked math lessons while the school kids were walking home for the day. 

He was miserable.  And I was miserable.

And I yelled.  And he yelled.

And I threatened...  I'll put him in school, I thought.  Surely they are better suited to deal with this child than I am.  I was ruining him...and our relationship.

Alas, one day a friend asked a simple question about unschooling on our local Facebook homeschooling page.  I'd heard the term before, but didn't know much.  I began to research and ask questions, much like I started my homeschooling journey 7 years ago.  And once again I got that feeling...I can do this.  Only this time there is no plan.  This time I have to relinquish control.  I have to trust that my child knows what he needs and wants better than I do.  I have to trust that I'm not going to cause him or our relationship further damage.

So, about a month ago we ceased all lessons.  Boom.  We were done with the school year.  I couldn't take it any longer and I knew he couldn't either.  And what I've found is very encouraging.  He asks brilliant questions and has fascinating ideas!  He keeps a journal and writes funny poems.  And he's even done some dreaded math...on his own...because he wants to!  We've gone to museums and watched documentaries.  I "strewed" some classic books on his Kindle slot and when he saw them he said he didn't like them.  Then after careful consideration he said, "You know, maybe I will read those books because I bet they're good for me."

My other children are developing their own interests as well, of course. My oldest daughter wants to learn about car motors.  I would have never known that if I hadn't given her the freedom to tell me.  My younger daughter is learning to bake and decorate pastries.  My youngest guy, not yet three years old, loves to tell me about the "outer space moon" and SCUBA diving with sharks. 

We are getting there.  I am learning to trust not only them, but my instincts.  What I used to think was a tendency toward laziness on my part, I'm learning, is actually my natural instinct to let my kids be kids.  I never was good at scheduling our day.  I hated that they didn't get enough time to play outside.  Now the world is our playground.  I'm starting to embrace this freedom instead of fear it.  We are learning this together.  And one thing I can thank my eldest for is making me a better mother to his siblings than the one he got at their ages.  I hope someday he'll look back and see that he taught me more than I can ever hope to teach him.